JULY 21, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 23

BIG TIPS

My morning date with the Cap'n leaves me wounded

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Okay, you big nuts, what's with the letters this time? Sun bakin' your little heads? They're the weirdest questions I've gotten, and they arrived together. I'm starting to feel like Parade magazine's Marilyn von Savant, "the woman with the world's highest I.Q.” except, perhaps for the I.Q. part. Maybe I could convince Dairy Queen to make me the biggest cone they've ever made, in which case I'd be the woman with the world's highest D.Q.

Dear Big Tipper,

I love Cap'n Crunch. It is my favorite food of all. However, it cuts my tongue and gums, making my mouth tender for days. This also interferes with my sex life, as it makes oral sex painful. What can you suggest—short of giving up my staple?

Cap'n Malnourished

Dear Feeling the Crunch,

I have found myself wondering on occasion, while engaged in rare beauty rituals, why we buy ground apricot pits or sand to exfoliate ourselves with, when Cap'n Crunch is right at hand. It also makes a nice facial mask when soaked in half and half. I, too, welcome the Cap'n to my table with appalling regularity, and have been challenged by his abrasive qualities. Here's what I've come up with:

1. Let it soak a little longer. Then it doesn't make too much noise in your head in the morning, either.

2. Switch to Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. The waxy coating and the spherical form go down more easily than the original, which closely resembles itty bitty Brillo Pads. 3. Switch off bowls with Golden Grahams.

The price is equally inflated, they're the same spittin' distance from actual food, and they turn to mush as the dairy product of your choice is still cascading through the air en route to the bowl.

As for the safer sex repercussions, you're right to be concerned about abrasions in your mouth. Don't floss, brush, or Crunch for six hours or so before possible contact with a body fluid other than your own: it takes that long for you mouth to build back up its protective layer of that stuff you brush away. If you want to have mountain fresh breath, buy a pack o' Trident. Good luck!

. Dear B.T.,

I have a literal burning question. I am driving across Snoqualmie Pass. It's so hot outside that I have pushed my hand through a paper sack to make a cast of sorts that protects my sun-saturated skin from any further frying. As the paper cast flaps noisily in the wind, I am lulled into an ain't-naturegrand state. Trying to ignore the sweat pools forming behind my knees. I wish for a Slurpee and notice some snow on the peaks of a few of the mountains—yes, snow.

I know I should have paid closer attention in science class, but how is it possible, that while I burn, perspire and even wither in what can only be described as hell-like temperatures, snow exists in a place even closer to the sun than I am? Don't scientists, or people who were attentive in science class, use phrases like "It burned up in the sun's atmosphere?" Please clear this up for me. I would hate to try to take refuge from the rays on a snowy mountain peak, only to find out my sunburn would be intensified as a result of the reflection of the snow, and that the type of burn I received was what 'freezer burn' originally meant.

Icy Hot

Dear Wiltin' in a Winter Wonderland.

As an old landlady of mine used to say, "What are you trying, to kill me?" I was considering hypnosis to access my ninthgrade earth science class memories, but I'm too lazy, so here's what I can tell you off the top of my not-yet-snow-capped head:

Yes, the snow on the mountaintops is technically closer to the sun than your sweaty kneecaps, but that distance differential is negligible, when you consider the fact that energy from the sun takes 11 minutes to get here (no rest stops). The Heatmeister's pretty darn far away. A more important distinction between your knees and the peaks is that down here in the troposphere, the bottom layer of our ocean-like atmosphere that we refer to fondly as "air," temperature decreases something like 2° C for every 1,000 feet you go above sea level. So, on the mountaintops, which are our co-tropospheric dwellers, it's literally colder, plus, cold air can't hold as much water vapor as hot air, so it's more likely to snow in the first place, and then that snow is insulated by subsequent snowfalls. Slides push snow into ravines which are shaded from the sun. Big snow in the winter + humidity in the summer (water vapor-ago-go) + sufficient height above sea level permanent snow.

=

You can seek refuge from the heat by heading up a mountain, but you might want to pat together a little fort to block the sun's rays (and enemy snowballs), because snow is the reflectingest natural surface ever: 80 percent of the sun's rays that hit snow are reflected, half up and half down into itself. So you have 100 percent worth of sunniness beating down on your top, and 40 percent more conspiring to burn obscure parts like the underside of you chin, your nostril plane, etc. You can get burned more quickly on a sunny day in the snow than as a member of a

water ballet troupe that performs twice daily at a theme park.

What's the message we're hearing here? Rigorous “safer sun” is de rigeur, and tastes better than latex. After burning my left arm to a crisp once on a road trip because my driving shift was during peak "tanning" hours (10:002:00, or 11:00-3:00 daylight saving time), I've donned long sleeves since for repeat duty. Just get a good sunblock, as high as possible, and avoid tanning parlors. This advice isn't just for the potato people, either, so don't get smug, you toasty, ruddy, or cocoa folk.

Besides the fact that it bites to spend quality summer time with the chill from a bad burn, the recreational aspects of peeling your skin don't counterbalance the drag of skin cancer. The ozone layer really is thinner than it used to be, so what you could take as a kid isn't necessarily relevant either. I don't like to take the time to put on block, so I tend to walk on the shady side of the street,and garden in the shade of my house. Good shades are important, too, whether or not you're a prescription wearer: when ultraviolet rays tap-dance on your eyeballs all day unimpeded, it can seriously compromise your night vision.

In closing, the only sure way to avoid freezer burn is to have someone wrap you up in a heavy waxed freezer paper and tape it securely. Make sure they write a date on you with a permanent magic marker so they can use you before you spoil. ✓

Send your questions about love, life, and living queer in a straight world (okay, sunburn and cereal also), to M.T. Martone, at the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101; or e-mail chronohio@aol.com (on America Online, just ChronOhio) or fax to 216-631-1082.

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